Although times have changed, many prejudices about sexual diversity still exist. Younger generations may be more open-minded, but older generations often remain bound by the beliefs and ideas instilled in them, which they then pass on to their children.
Even if you know that being gay is neither wrong nor sinful, it can still be difficult to face society, family, and friends. Why? Because we were programmed to believe that it isn't right, and no matter how hard we fight against it, a small part of us keeps whispering that it is.
Coming out of the closet, as people commonly call it, isn't easy for everyone. That's why I've put together some advice for when you decide to take that step and be free.
5 TIPS FOR COMING OUT
ACCEPT YOURSELF
It's important to put yourself first. If you still feel ashamed or embarrassed about your sexuality, you may be overwhelmed by a comment or reaction from a family member or friend, and later want to suppress yourself again or pretend to be someone you're not. So first, accept your sexuality, your tastes, your fantasies, your hopes, and what you like. It doesn't happen overnight, but it's worth the wait and the daily work of loving yourself for everything you are.
TELL A TRUSTED FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER
We all have a friend or cousin we trust more than most. Perhaps they have friends who are part of the LGBTQ+ community, or you simply know they'll be more likely to support you. Come out to them first and tell them the truth. Having someone you trust by your side will give you strength and confidence when you talk to your parents or family.
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WRITE A LETTER
A letter is always a good option if you express yourself better in writing than in conversation. Write down how you feel and how you'd like to say things. If you can't find the words, simply read the letter aloud to your parents. A letter can also help when things end in shouting and no one has been able to calmly express what they think.
If things get heated, don't lose your temper with them. Your parents may not react well, or one of them may take it badly. They may shout or say hurtful things, but don't get drawn into it. Politely excuse yourself and say you'll talk to them when things have calmed down.
IT'S BETTER TO COME OUT THAN BE FOUND OUT
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Fear of our parents' reaction can make us put off coming out again and again. However, remember that telling them yourself is always better than being found out. The impact on your parents or family will be much greater, and they'll feel not only shocked but betrayed: the boy or girl they thought they knew has been living a double life.
In my case, my mother caught me with the person I was dating at the time. She was furious, but above all, she was hurt. Amid the shouting and accusations, she told me that if she'd known I would turn out “that way,” she wouldn't have had me. She blamed herself, my father, and just about everyone else. Her words hurt me at the time, but later I realized that people say all kinds of things when they're hurt or angry. After the shouting died down, she told me that if I'd told her, the impact would have been smaller and she would have processed it differently. What hurt her was what I had been doing behind her back and all the lies I'd told her.
Don't wait for the right moment; make the moment right.
HAVE INFORMATIONAL MATERIAL READY
Being gay, bisexual, lesbian, trans, etc. doesn't mean we know everything. You'd be surprised by how much ignorance still exists within the LGBTQ+ community. Learn more: read, watch documentaries and inspiring films, and share them with your parents, siblings, and anyone you think they might help broaden their perspective. This can offer a fresh outlook and help people understand what someone who is rejected or forced to hide their sexuality may go through and suffer.
Prayers for Bobby is one of my favorite films. It explores very well how religion can blind parents to accepting their children's tastes, preferences, and sexual orientation. It speaks about the loneliness of being cast out by your family, the pain, the guilt, and how these things can lead to suicide.
Pride, another film I love, is a beautiful story about how being kind isn't enough when you're judged for your sexuality, and how homophobia creates huge barriers between people. It also shows the ignorance behind the idea that homosexuality can be “caught” or that people can be “contaminated” by it—an attitude that leads to discrimination and abuse. The film has a wonderful story arc and a spectacular ending.
There's no doubt that being open about who we are isn't always easy. Some people may be more comfortable standing up for themselves than others, but that doesn't make you a coward. Everyone has their own timing, reasons, and beliefs, and, above all, we don't all have the same parents. Don't feel pressured because someone calls you a coward or says, “I managed to do it, so why can't you?” Make sure your reasons feel right to you.
