When a relationship becomes stable or serious, the time comes to meet your dreaded in-laws—and the holiday season is often the perfect excuse.
No matter how much we try to avoid it, we’ll have to be brave. If our partner is important to us, we need to find a way to overcome our nerves and face the situation.
If that’s your situation and your partner has invited you to spend Christmas with their family, don’t worry. Here are some tips to help you make it through Christmas dinner with flying colors.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS
First impressions aren’t always accurate. I’m sure you can think of someone you
didn’t like the first time you met but now consider a pleasant person—or vice versa: you liked them at first, but not anymore. So the saying “first impressions are everything”isn’t entirely true. Still, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t make our best effort to create a good impression.
It’s important to find a balance in certain areas. For example, being kind is important, but too much can be annoying. Speaking properly sounds good, but overdoing it can seem fake, and so on.
The important thing is to be yourself, but a little more formal. In other words, if you tend to be rude, you’ll need to tone it down around your in-laws, since you don’t know what kinds of jokes or comments they might find offensive. That doesn’t mean you need to memorize a dictionary to hold a conversation. If you usually dress casually, make an effort to look a little more presentable—but don’t go as far as wearing a suit and tie.
In short, be yourself, but be a little more formal, respectful, and kind without overdoing it.
SHOW INTEREST
Shyness and a lack of interest can easily be confused. Often, nerves leave us tongue-tied, and we only answer yes or no. Some people may take that as disrespectful or think you aren’t paying attention. Even if you’re worried you won’t know what to say, try to give answers longer than a simple yes or no. Don’t be too brief. It’s also important to show an interest in getting to know them, rather than only letting them get to know you. If you don’t know what to ask, follow the thread of the conversation. For example, if they ask how work is going, return the question: “And how is work going for you?”
If your girlfriend has told you a few things about her family, you can use them as conversation starters—something about their work, a trip, or something you might be able to help with. For example, if they’re thinking of starting an audio and video business and you know about that, you can bring it up, and the conversation will take off from there.
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AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH YOUR PARTNER
There may be something your partner does that bothers you, or you might simply be in a bad mood and more irritable than usual. In general, it’s best to discuss disagreements in private; no one else needs to know about your conflicts or watch them unfold. If you want to tell your partner something, a comment upset you, or you feel like picking a fight, take a breath and hold back. This isn’t about repressing your feelings or pretending they don’t matter—it’s simply not the right time. If you need to clear something up, find a way to be alone with your partner without making it obvious. Pretend to take a call, then tell your partner someone wants to speak with them, or something along those lines.
Arguing with your partner in front of your in-laws definitely won’t help, especially if you raise your voice or look furious.
Before dinner, you can talk things through at home and agree on a few things. For example, you could tell your partner that you’d rather not discuss certain topics about them, or that you don’t want to be left alone for the first 15 minutes of dinner, along with anything else you think is important to clarify before you arrive.
GET INVOLVED
You might see yourself as a guest, but try changing your perspective: you want to be part of the family, not just another guest watching from the sidelines.
Be a little proactive, but don’t overdo it. For example, get up and help set the table—after asking first, of course.
“Excuse me, how can I help set the table? Would you like me to help with the glasses? I’d be happy to help put out the snacks. Would that be all right?”
By being a little proactive, I mean getting up and asking in the kitchen if you can help, or taking the initiative. For example, instead of staying seated and asking, “Would you like me to help with anything?”, get up and say, “What can I help with?” or “Where are the glasses? I can help put them out.” The difference might seem insignificant, but it isn’t. You can tell when someone asks just to be polite and when they’re genuinely interested. Usually, when someone asks if we want help, we tend to say no; but when they’ve already started helping, we’re more likely to accept. If you only ask out of obligation, it will show, and you’ll still seem like just another guest.
FIND COMMON GROUND
The best way to connect with someone is through shared tastes or interests, and this situation is no different.
Look for things your in-laws are interested in that you also enjoy—something your partner has told you about or something you picked up in the conversation. Look for opportunities to help. For example, if you hear that something has broken and you know how to fix it, don’t hesitate to offer. But be careful: if you don’t know how to do something, don’t volunteer just to make a good impression when you have no idea what you’re doing. You could make things worse and end up looking bad.
Now you’re more than ready, thanks to these tips, for December 24 and 25. Go win over the people who brought the person you love into the world.
